Getting caught up in a negative argument cycle?
Do you and your partner find yourselves escalated over the smallest things? Does one person get louder while the other gets quieter? One pursues, and the other withdraws. Or wait, is it one withdraws and the other pursues? Actually, it’s both.
Every human has one of two general ways of dealing with distress: up-regulate or down-regulate. If I up-regulate, I bring the heat up and go toward the emotion to get a resolution. For those down-regulators (ahem, me!), we push down emotion to restore calm.
The thing is, each person’s protective instinct triggers the other person’s fear. For the pursuing partner, the down-regulating says, “You don’t care.” For the withdrawing partner, the up-regulating says, “You’re getting it wrong again,” or maybe even, “You’re worthless.”
The next time a vehement argument over the dishes hijacks your relationship, pay attention to your body’s response. Is it fight or flight? Maybe shut down or numb? Maybe a fawn response where you placate. I’m guessing this doesn’t happen with a neighbor or colleague. Your nervous system acting in this big way signals something important! What this person thinks IS important. In moments of distress, the attachment signal gets scrambled between two people who care deeply about each other.
