Our defenses are rooted in attachment science

In our worst distress, we will engage strategies to manage like shutting down, freezing, blaming, or defending. This often puts us at risk of being labeled as cold, needy, controlling, or worse. What if I told you your body was doing exactly what it was built to do?

Attachment science tells us that humans are wired for connection. As resilient beings, we will innately do what is necessary to maintain that connection in romantic relationships. Perhaps it takes getting loud and moving toward the emotion to get a response. Or, one might withdraw, shut down, or freeze in order to get some space from the distress. For those who have endured more than most, a variety of strategies may be employed like rapid fire.

Do you feel misunderstood or falsely judged in your romantic relationship? When all you want is closeness with your partner, this is an isolating and hopeless place to be.

Everyday life stressors can jeopardize that connection and so, our nervous system adapts accordingly. When distressed by a moment’s loss of connection with that most trusted other, our nervous system is our first responder - rushing to our aid. Our brain then gives meaning to that moment informed by a lifetime of experiences.

Based on that story, we employ any number of universal coping strategies.

When I feel helpless, I freeze. When I fear I’m failing, I withdraw. When I feel rejected, I lash out.

This is the nervous system’s call to action. Mobilizing energy moves us toward action and immobilizing energy moves us toward preservation. Think caveman facing a sabertooth tiger…we are built to react first, think next. Learn to identify your attachment strategies with this quiz and understand the story that drives your distress with your romantic partner.