Welcome! Let’s get ready to choreograph more meaningful communication and connection! Understand how to use this course to get optimal results.

Why do we have negative cycles and why does it feel so bad?

Understanding the simple neuroscience of distress takes the shame out of our responses during conflict and gives us something constructive to work with.

The conflict cycle can often be traced back to the attachment styles in early life. Attachment science tells us that our nervous system is toned from birth to maintain the signal of safety. This can be through strategies ranging from proximity or reassurance seeking to masking or keeping parts of ourselves hidden.

Often we are stuck in reactive emotion and the harder we try to get unstuck, the worse it feels with our partner. This is like being on the wrong frequency of the radio. Learn to distinguish primary from secondary emotions, and get on the same frequency with your partner.

Learn the general mechanics of negative conflict cycles and how they self-perpetuate.

Begin to understand your role on the dance floor so you don’t feel so disoriented and hopeless; so you can choreograph something different.

When we find that no matter how many times we repeat ourselves our partner is not getting it, it is likely that we are on different frequencies. Learn how to tune to the same frequency with your partner.. When you’re getting caught up in your cycle, use this tactic to skillfully organize the chaos and get to the resolution.

The impulses and reactions evoked during distress are protective parts of you - get to know them so you can better understand what is coming up for you and why.

The more we push them away, the more dissonance and discomfort we feel. Once befriended, these parts can feel heard and less reactive. We can feel more freedom to choose our response.

Imagine feeling fully heard and understood. Even better, imagine your partner responding with curiosity and openness rather than defenses.

You’ve learned to structure your communication to receive responsiveness. Now learn to send loving responsiveness to your partner.

Notice your need for connection or solitude, feel agency to speak for it, and break free from feeling wounded when the answer is “no” or “not right now.”

Learn to use SOFTEN as a tool to remember how to pull it off in real time.

Know what signs of progress to expect. Also be on the lookout for common pitfalls for couples when doing this work.

Create non-agenda time that’s predictable and that you can look forward to.

Learn this practical skills to evoke a felt sense of connection with your partner in less than a minute.

Learn the art of simmering to show appreciation, invite those sparks, and build arousal outside of the bedroom.

Don’t let life get so busy that you forget to be intentional about cultivating closeness and skillful communication. Negative cycles creep up real fast.

Be guided to heighten your experience of the energetic connection between you.